Year two thousand and sixteen

I’m really sorry I haven’t post here lately. I have been so stressed about school and life in general that I didn’t have any inspiration or time to write. I’ll do better next year, I promise. What comes to school, we finished our big Christmas project and actually did pretty well. Everything worked out in the end even tho I was so sure that everything will go wrong and everyone will hate us.

I’ve never been happier about Christmas holidays that I was now. I looked forward to leave Turku and everyone there behind and just come back to my parents for the rest of my year. My relaxing holiday turned out to be not so relaxing since I’ve been running around and barely been at my parent’s place at all. In one point I was ready to go back to Turku already but I’m happy I decided to stay anyway.

Altogether, it has been great to spend time with people who actually want to be with me and with who I can be myself without anyone judging me. Wish I could take these people with me to Turku as well and we all could hang together all the time. Too bad that is not possible. But I’m going to enjoy this time here as long as I can.

This year was bad. Like really bad. Of course good things have happened as well but most of the time I have just hoped that this year would be over. Now its 366^th day of this year and I wouldn’t be happier to say goodbye to this year. I have already decided that next year will be better. I have a good feeling about it anyway.

I could do some throw backs on this post but I’m not sure do I want to go back and see what has happened this year. I feel that I’d like to tell the best things from this year but that is what everyone does. No one ever points out the low points of their year. Still I need to say two best things from this year. The first one was that I got a job for the summer and well, I ended up working whole summer and all the way until the end of September. Second thing was that I got in school. That one and only thing I wanted for years. And I finally got in.

Even tho getting in school was huge thing, I still think that in this year nothing was better than my summer. Feels stupid to say this because there was moments in this summer as well when I just hated everything and everyone and I wanted to give up. But during the summer I met people who have become more important to me that I ever thought about. I always thought I would find those people from school but no. I found them somewhere else and even tho they are far away most of the time, it doesn’t matter.

The most important lesson I’ve learned this year? No one gives a fuck about your problems, no matter how real they are. Because for the others your problems are just excuses and not real at all. No one cares if you haven’t slept for a week, if you throw up every morning before going to school/work or if you have to fight through the day and when you finally get home, you just sleep because you’re not able to do anything else. Maybe it is wrong to say no one cares but the fact is there is only few people in my life who cares for real. For the rest I’m just someone who acts up and makes excuses. But that is okay as well. Not everyone understand you.

I have also learned that you never know what kind of battle the other person is going through right at that moment. So don’t judge them just because they have bad day, week or month. Everyone gets tired to smile and pretend everything’s fine. Sometimes that another person doesn’t want to talk about what is going on and you just have to accept that as well. Not everyone is able to talk about their feelings and personal life. And that is okay. It is as okay as talk about everything to someone. Some people just need more time. We all don’t live in the same phase and that doesn’t make someone else a bad person. People are too impatient these days.

Another thing I learned was that nothing changes people more than losing something and that doesn’t necessarily mean losing another person, someone who was very important to you. You can lose something from yourself. You can lose your freedom, your ability to communicate with people, you can lose yourself.

I lost my pain free zone in the very beginning of this year. Someone who doesn’t suffer from pain 24/7 is really difficult to understand what it is to be in pain all the time. And I really mean all the fucking time. No matter what you do. You’re in pain when you’re laughing with your friends, when you’re studying and working, when you go and have fun. That affects you. When you’re in pain all the time, your body is in stress mode all the time as well. So no wonder that you are stressed and tired and cranky.

I guess this year have been about learning about things. I can’t say I’m that much wiser but at least I know I can survive a lot of things even tho when I feel I can’t. I don’t even know what life would be if you would get anything you want without any problems. It wouldn’t teach you anything. How boring.

This year made me even bigger bitch that I already was but I don’t care. I also achieved lot of things with this attitude I have so I’m not going to give it up, not yet. People who get me and understand me, feel me, are going to keep me going and that’s everything I need

for the next year. You know who you are and that's what matters.

For the next year, I hope there's less hospital visits and crying and more new, exciting experiences. Bring it on 2017, I'm ready!